Back in the 80s a friend of mine was recalling the time when he was returning to the US from his final tour of duty in Vietnam.
He had about a 1 week layover in Hawaii and spent the entire time in his room, with a loaded pistol, trying to think of a reason not to blow his brains out.
He concluded that he really did want to see what was on the other side of the next breath and 30 years on, I understand what he meant.
The wrong question
In the aftermath of the tragedy of a person taking their own life, it is always the same question and alas……the wrong question.
‘Why, how could he/she do this’
The real question is: why doesn’t this happen more often.
Wrestling with my humanity
From age 13-14, on a daily basis, I wanted to be dead.
Not to kill myself, just not to be alive, not to have to face the horror of another day in the abomination that was my school.
I never actively planned ways to end the trauma that was my life at the time, I just used to conduct daily thought experiments that seemed to suggest that the only way to end my unendurable pain, was to stop living.
This ugliness reared its head again over the last few years, beginning wth major and severe depression that became crippling, 5 years ago and culminating with a suicidal mindset during the last year, for reasons that I won’t bore you with.
A person, not a diagnosis
My doctors are in a dilemma as to how to ‘label’ me.
The doctor that I spend most time with now has concluded that much of my suffering is due to a ‘mood disorder’, which itself, in his professional opinion, does not tick all of the boxes necessary to cross the various diagnostic thresholds of the various disorders that incorporate ‘mood disorder’
On the other hand, my psychiatrist who prescribes my anxiety medication has recently had an apparent epiphany and can see clearly the demonstration of my Aspergers…
On the edge
I have been to the edge and looked over so many times in my life that it is as natural to me as taking a shower.
Apparently, despite feeling like a crippled failure of a person, my Doctors assure me that I have and continue to demonstrate remarkable strength and courage.
The take away
Intellect provides little or no protection from the agony of Life and especially the agony of being different and I would add, the agony of being a freak, which in essence is what I am.
But there is something magical, wonderful about this World and the Life that we are blessed to have been granted.
I am writing this to reach out to others who have and do struggle.
You are not alone.
As for me…….I am still here.
This post is dedicated to my friends and followers, to those who choose to see what is on the other side of the next breath and especially to the survivors of those who did not make it through.
This post is also dedicated to my enemies….I forgive you…..